PRESS RELEASE: GUE to offer new DIR course

HIGH SPRINGS, FL – GUE PRESS RELEASE: For Immediate Release

    Global Underwater Explorers (GUE) is pleased to announce a new, continuing education course to supplement its superior form of underwater training. DIR Dry-land Fundamentals is designed to give students the best, safest, experience when on dry land.

    The concept is to train individuals so that their experience on land is as safe an enjoyable as possible. The DIR Dry-land Fundamentals takes many ideas and practices from DIR diving and develops them for use on dry land.

    The DIR philosophy is based on uniform, highly optimized, equipment, detailed planning, and a team approach to actions. It has many followers and practitioners because of its strict training regimens and ability to achieve results. It is based on the early dive teachings of DICK, or “Doing it Correctly, Kind-of.” One could say that DIR divers are a direct offshoot of DICK divers.

    Below are excerpts from GUE training manuals that give a rough outline of what Dry-land Fundamentals will involve.  

*Excerpt*

ATTIRE and GROOMING:

-       All body hair must be removed, so as not to be an entanglement hazard. Large ears, outtie bellybuttons, weird looking protruding moles, and other deformities must also be removed to reduce the risk of entanglement.

Non-DIR footwear. You might
as well be wearing high heels.

-       Shoes must be high tops: high top shoes offer more ankle support, and reduce the chance of failure due to suffering a “flat tire” should someone accidentally step on the back of your shoe. Flip flops are not allowed, as they are the Split-Fin of footwear, and prevent the user from executing proper walking motions or running. Shoelaces are a common failure point, and should be replaced with springs.

-       Tip-toeing is a superior way of walking, as it allows for quieter movement and stirs up less silt.

-       Socks should be of the heelless, tube sock, variety. This gives the team uniformity, should one buddy need to donate socks to an OOS (out of socks) buddy.

-       Underwear must be briefs—no boxer shorts allowed. Boxer shorts do not offer enough support, and often allow the testicles to dangle, presenting an entanglement hazard.

-       No wife-beater style undershirts: they make you look like a tool.

-       All students will wear one piece, black, mechanic style jumpsuits. Building off the concept of the one-piece HOG harness, there are fewer failure points in a one-piece jumpsuit.

-       Headwear will consist of knit beanies, with no pom-poms on top since they are an entanglement hazard.

EQUIPTMENT

-       One time keeping device, worn on the right wrist. It will be used to…uh…tell people what time it is.

-       Cell phone, inside the left front pocket, and attached to a bungee loop inside of the pocket with a boltsnap and caveline. Cell phones will not be worn in waist holsters, because it is an entanglement hazard, and again, makes you look like a complete tool.

-       Keys will be kept in the right front pocket, attached with caveline and a boltsnap.

-       A roll of caveline and extra boltsnaps will be kept in the right back pocket, secured by another boltsnap attached by caveline.

-       Back up caveline will be secured around the neck by a bungee necklace.

PROCEDURES

-       When ascending beyond ground level, students will start their stops at half their planned height, and then do one minute stops at each invterval before reaching their pre-determined height.

**For example, if the team plans to go from the first floor of a house to the second floor, and there are 14 steps in the flight of stairs, they would climb until to the 7^th step, and then stop for one minute at each additional step before reaching the second floor.

**If team members were staying in a hotel, and their room was on the 20^th floor, they would take the elevator to the 10^th floor, and stop for one minute at each additional floor before arriving at their room on the 20^th floor.

-       The DIR philosophy incorporates planning and buddy checks on everything: each member of the team is responsible for double-checking the actions of the other members. For example, if one team member were to ask if his breath stank, each team member must smell his breath to verify weather or not it reeks of dog fart.

-       Every visit to the restroom must be in teams, to support the team member who needs to take a crap. While one buddy prepares to unleash a grunt sculpture, the other buddy can verify the correct positioning of the ass-gasket and make sure the toilet paper supply has not exceeded “min-TP” requirements.

-       After each visit to the commode, each team member is responsible for verifying that the turd is properly flushed.

COURSE REQUIREMENTS

The DIR way of opening a beer:
A boltsnap...with caveline, of course.

    To successfully complete the GUE DIR Dry-land Fundamentals course, students are required to:

-       In proper DIR dry land gear, teams must tip-top 100 yards while conversing about what happened on the most recent episode of Dancing with the Stars.

-       Teams must successfully use a public restroom, with each team member verifying all steps and necessary procedures before dropping the kids off at the pool.

-       Donate caveline and a boltsnap to another team member...just because.

-       Students must not get their testicles tangled in anything.

-       Do a proper ascent with all the required stops…on an escalator at the mall.

-       Safely ascend to the 30^th floor of an office building.

-       Team members will belittle others who have not taken Dry-land Fundamentals, and will incorporate the terms “Stroke,” “Weiner” and “Solo-Crapper” into their insults.

For a full list of requirements and course descriptions, visit www.gue.com, or email surfaceswim@gmail.com

- GUE Press Release, courtesy of the Surface Swim

San Diego divers to upright the wreck of the Yukon

SAN DIEGO, CA – Two Southern California divers have come up with an ambitious plan that will change the diving in San Diego.  

The goofy looking forward guns of the Yukon..
because the wreck is on its port side! That's
just weird!

    The wreck of the Yukon, a 366ft long Canadian destroyer intentionally sunk in 2000 as an artificial reef, currently sits on the ocean floor two miles off of Mission Beach. The Yukon project took hundreds of thousands of dollars and almost as many man hours to prepare for sinking, and in July of 2000, it was finally ready to take become a new site for divers and to attract more marine life to the area.

    However, rough surface conditions caused the ship to take on water, and to sink before prematurely. Now, instead of resting upright, the wreck sank lop sided, and now sits in 105 feet of water on its port side.

    Although the Yukon has thrived as an artificial reef, attracting marine life and divers alike, the fact that the wreck is lying on its side instead of right side up has bothered many local divers—but not for long. After ten years of resting on her port side, two divers have decided to upright the Yukon.  

   The ambitious project is the brainchild of dive buddies Ed Hocken and George Kennedy, who came up the idea after a long night of post dive drinking. Hocken explained his idea in a recent phone interview from his parent’s converted garage, where he lives.

    “We were at Applebee’s, downing pitchers Coors Light, when I was like, ‘Dude! Wouldn’t it be cool if the Yukon was upright instead of on its side? You know, like a normal boat?” And an idea was born. “Ever since then, we’ve been obsessed with up righting the Yukon.”

   Funding for the project has been a challenge, but as of November, Hocken and Kennedy have raised over $200—almost half of their projected cost of $500. “Most of the money is from change we found under George’s sofa,” admits Hocken, “my grandma said she would chip in $10, though.” 

    The duo have designed a detailed plan as to how exactly they will upright the wreck, which weighs 2,300 tons.

    The plan to upright the Yukon, drawn on the back of an Applebee’s placemat, calls for a 17ft Boston Whaler, 200ft of rope, approximately 12,000 ping pong balls, and the help of two dolphins.

Detailed plan on how the
Yukon will be pulled
upright. 

Final view of successfully
up-righted wreck.

“We watched Mythbusters, so we know that we can use the positive buoyancy of ping pong balls to lift the wreck…then we can use the ropes attached to the [Boston Whaler] and the dolphins to pull the Yukon so it is sitting correctly in the sand” said Kennedy. “We’ve done several tests of the system in our bath tub, using Legos and Micro Machines, and it works. We are certain that we can upright the Yukon.”

    Hocken also described previous versions of the plan, which included the car jack from his 1988 Honda Accord, "about a gazillion zip ties," and “maybe a pulley or two.”

    Hocken and Kennedy’s endeavor has already received an endorsement from Ships to Reefs, a non profit organization dedicated to locating, preparing, and then sinking ships to become artificial reefs. Ships to Reefs spokesperson Dennis Nordberg described the poorly sunken Yukon as an “eyesore,” and said “seeing the her [the Yukon] on her side instead of upright is like having that neighbor with the car on cinder blocks on their front yard or their Christmas lights up year round---plain tacky and ugly to look at.”

    Local divers are also excited about seeing the Yukon upright: “The first time I saw the Yukon, laying there all lopsided, I was disappointed…even the Titanic is up right on the ocean floor,” said one diver.

    “We hope this will be our legacy,” said Hocken, “our gift to divers here in San Diego.”

    The pair is currently accepting financial donations, and anyone with a Boston Whaler, lots of extra ping pong balls, or knowledge of marine mammal husbandry are encouraged to contact the Surface Swim, at surfaceswim@gmail.com.  -Gary Baldi, reporting for the Surface Swim

New PADI specialty course teaches drysuit users how to urinate underwater

 RANCHO SANTA MARGARITA, CA - At the request of students and instructors, training managers at PADI have approved a new continuing education course.

     Starting this fall, all PADI Five Star training facilities with qualified instructors will be able to offer the P-Valve specialty course. The P-Valve diver is designed to give students the tools, training, and confidence to successfully and safely use an overboard urine relief valve on their drysuit.

    Those who regularly participate in the sport will tell you that SCUBA diving has the ability to give healthy, active, adults the bladder control of a pregnant racehorse. The solution for those who wear wetsuits is easy—just pee all over yourself. However, for those in a higher tax brackets who wear a drysuit, relieving one’s self is not that easy.

     Despite the knowledge that staying well hydrated is a safe diving practice, surveys indicated that many divers purposely dive dehydrated, out of fear that they will soil their drysuit.

Having and using a P-valve encourages divers to be well hydrated since it allows them to urinate underwater. It also allows them to mark their territory with their scent and show their dominance in the aquatic world.

     PADI Course Director Frank Drebin expressed his excitement for the new specialty course: “We want students to think of this course as more of a support group than a class—we understand the stigma and embarrassment that goes along with having to wear a glue-lined condom with a rubber hose attached to it. These are devices usually reserved for incontinent geriatrics and sexual deviants, but they also a very real part of diving.”

     Students are already lining up to take PADI’s newest specialty course.

“Before, I would just bite down on my fin strap and rip the condom catheter off,” said Open Water Diver Jake Elwood, who was involved in the pilot version of the class. “After taking the [P-Valve specialty] course, I now know that applying warm water and pulling gently at a 90 degree angle is much better for my penis.”

    The course is split into four phases: classroom, confined water training, open water training, and group therapy. The following excerpts are taken directly from the “PADI P-Valve Diver” training manual:

Classroom covers the basic bookwork and knowledge reviews, with topics including: What is a P-Valve? Why can’t I hold my bladder for 40 minutes? Why is there so much damn glue on these catheters? Why is it turning purple? Uh, does this thing fit right? Should I shave the hairs around the base?

Confined Water training consists of two pool sessions, in which the students demonstrate that they can if fact urinate through their drysuit. The first session must be conducted in water shallow enough to stand in, so that students can keep their ears out of the water to hear encouragement and, if needed, the sound of running water so they can start their urine flow. After successful completion, students must, in water they are unable to stand in, urinate a minimum of three times.  

After both pool sessions, Students are ready to show P-Valve proficiency in the Open Water. With a maximum ration of 2 students to 1 PADI professional, a student must urinate in the open water. Maximum allowable depth for this skill is 60ft.

    Required materials for this class are: PADI P-valve book pack, an overpriced PIC card, and the “PADI P-Valve ProPack,” which contains a 64 ounce bottle of Gatorade and a scratch and sniff sticker which reads, “I’m a big boy now!” 

    Long time drysuit diver and P-valve user Roger Murdock hoped that the education would prevent divers from learning incorrect techniques. “When I first started peeing through a tube, I didn’t have anyone around to show me how…I had to figure it out on the streets…I’m glad my son can learn correctly in a safe environment.”

    For the moment, the P-valve specialty is open only to males, although a female specific version of the class is in the works. Drebin explained that the decision to keep the course strictly for males is because “guy parts are more user friendly, you know, as far as the whole plumbing thing is concerned.”

“PADI is always looking for a way to server divers, and the P-valve specialty is just one more way we bring education and urinary comfort to our students,” said Drebin. “Attaching a latex sheath lined with a mild adhesive to your genitals is the logical solution. I can’t wait to have students take this course.” –Gary Baldi, Reporting for The Surface Swim

Marine protection act aims to keep ugly people out of the water

LAGUNA BEACH, CA – Orange County has passed a new Marine Life Protection Act scheduled to take effect January 1, 2011. The Southern California County already has several policies in place to protect divers and marine life, including issuing fines to divers who dive without a buddy, or do not have the proper safety equipment, such as snorkels, with them. This newest measure is designed to protect all aquatic life in County waters.

    The “Marine Life Protection Act,” or “Amanda’s Law,” will only allow divers who pass a facial attractiveness test the permission to dive in Orange County. Those who are classified as “pretty f-----’ ugly” will not be allowed in the water, out of fear that they will scare the fish away.

    Extensive research shows that fish and marine mammals are extremely responsive to human physical beauty.

Studies show that juvenile marine life are
 traumatized by seeing ugly divers on a regular basis.

    “The Ocean is one of our greatest resources; we can’t have our marine life traumatized by seeing a diver who has a face that resembles a sea urchin’s anus,” said Lifeguard Lt. Rodger Murdock.  “Someone who took a nose dive off the ugly tree and hit every single branch is not something we want a Juvenile Garibaldi exposed to.”

    Although the changes are not scheduled to take effect for over a month, local divers are already lining up to have their physical beauty evaluated, and to receive their county issued dive permits. They will be issuing three levels of permits, each with their own restrictions and limitations.

Level One, or “Hotties,” will be issued a green colored card, and are encouraged to dive as much as possible in as many dive sites as they can in order to attract fish. They are given priority parking and free air-fills at any shop. Those in this category are required to “make themselves presentable” before diving.

Level Two, or “Kind-ofs,“ are issued a yellow colored card, and can are permitted to dive in barren locations, or in dive sites where marine life does not have eyes, and therefore can not be offended by the divers’ unsightly features. They are restricted from night diving, because as one official put it, “that s---’s scary in the dark.”

Level Three, or “Gorilla Cookies”, is the classification for divers with a face that resembles one of the creatures from District 9. They are issued a red colored card and a paper bag, the latter of which must be worn when within one mile of the ocean or saltwater aquarium. They are restricted from entering the ocean. However, they are allowed to dive in any chlorinated pool, but will be charged $50 per air fill, in attempt to discourage them from diving.

   

    Although drastic, the changes are designed to increase the fish population in the area. According to a 2009 study, one of the greatest contributors to the decline of marine life is the presence of ugly people in the water. The study, funded by the non-profit organization Reef Check, shows a clear relationship between fish counts and proximity to divers with faces like ten miles of bad road.  “The facts don’t lie,” said one Reef Check volunteer, and co-author of the study, “Ugly people scare fish away.”

    Marine conservation groups are heralding the changes, proclaiming this as a step in the right direction. “Ugly people have no place in the ocean,” says Oceans Foundations president and 2002 Miss California Lisa Peck, “Protecting our aquatic life means keeping divers who have been beat with the ugly stick where they belong: on dry land.”  –Gary Baldi, reporting for The Surface Swim

Crustacean cult members found dead in Avalon restaurant

AVALON, CA. – Employees of the Galleon restaurant were shocked to find all 34 lobsters in their display tank dead when they arrived at work early Monday morning. In an apparent mass suicide, the 34 Pacific Spiny lobsters were found lifeless in the tank, lying neatly in rows, with small purple shrouds covering their heads. All of the deceased lobsters were wearing matching Nike sneakers. Tiny cups filled with distilled water and melted butter were found nearby each of the 34 victims inside the saltwater tank.

Cult leader Steve Jones (file photo).

   The tragedy has rocked the quaint town of Avalon, located on Catalina Island, about twenty miles off the southern California coast.

   “Lobsters, especially those in captivity, are know for being weak minded and easy to manipulate,” says UCSD Marine Biologist and Shellfish Cult expert Elaine Dickenson. “It is not uncommon for a more influential lobster to force their twisted ideas onto younger, more impressionable crustaceans. This is a classic case of a more powerful lobster convincing the rest of group that a mass suicide is the only way to avoid the horrors that will surely come if they are kept alive in the tank…it’s almost as if they knew that their future was to be boiled alive and ripped apart, only to have their flesh dipped in melted butter. Faced with this grim reality, it appears that mass suicide was a morbid, yet comforting, alternative.”

   This recent mass suicide was the second such tragedy to strike Avalon. On January 15, 1973, a recently unemployed and heavily medicated Garibaldi took the lives of twelve kelp bass and three sheephead in what is known as the “Orange Sunday Massacre.”

   “This is a dark day in Avalon, but we will rebuild.” –Miguel Vallecitos, reporting for The Surface Swim

Big changes coming to PADI training materials

RANCHO SANTA MARGARITA, CA –PADI announced earlier this week that they will be updating all Open Water Training literature to include an new, modern, method for describing dive conditions. Extensive feedback from instructors indicated that students were often left confused during briefings because of how conditions were described to them.

   “Saying that conditions are ‘mild with two foot waves with poor form, moderate surge in the shallows, particulate above fifteen feet and twenty feet of visibility below the thermocline’ may be sufficient information for seasoned divers,” says PADI Master Instructor Ted Striker, “but to students, technical jargon like this can deter them from the sport.”

   According to research, 89% of divers born after 1988 have a below average grasp of numbers and units of measurement. Even more surprising is that most students in Open Water classes think that meters are imaginary, and that kilometers are actually a species of desert lizard. 

   Because of these statistics, PADI decided to make the change to a more relatable form of communication.

Dive conditions are "That-girl-with-the-lazy-eye-and-bad-gas,
with older-woman-with-a-bleached-mustache expected overnight."

  The new metric for dive conditions will now be based on levels of feminine attractiveness. For example, 0-5 feet of visibility will now be called “fat chick in sweatpants that are three sizes too small,” while marginally better conditions will simply be called “aging mother of 3 in a bikini.” Conditions with a light surge and above average visibility are now “That hot girl who works at Starbucks”. Visibility in excess of 70ft will be referred to as “Jessica Alba,” while tricky or deceptive conditions will be called “beer-goggles.”

  The LA County Lifeguard Department recently changed their pre-recorded message to reflect the changes at PADI. Those who called the dive report hotline on Monday heard: “Dive conditions are slightly-overweight-chick-with-a-good personality, with the occasional recently-divorced-cougar…water temperature is drunk sorority girl…surge is Roseanne Barr…high tide is before Sportcenter. Thank you for calling the Los Angeles County beach and weather report, always swim near a lifeguard.”

 “At PADI, or goal is to make the sport of SCUBA diving accessible to anyone,” said Striker, “these modifications reflect this goal.”

  The change is not officially scheduled to take effect in July of 2010, giving older instructors sufficient time to adapt to the changes, and to find out just exactly who Jessica Alba is. –Miguel Vallecitos, Reporting for The Surface Swim

Welcome to The Surface Swim: News from the Diving Industry

The Surface Swim is dedicated to delivering breaking news from around the SCUBA diving industry. From the deepest oceans to the shallowest puddles, we are there bringing you the news that effects you most.

We cover the stories that the biased mainstream media outlets such as Sport Diver, The Undersea Journal, and Scuba Diving won't.
If it is cold, wet, salty, and reeks of neoprene, then you need to know about it.

-JA