PRESS RELEASE: GUE to offer new DIR course

HIGH SPRINGS, FL – GUE PRESS RELEASE: For Immediate Release

    Global Underwater Explorers (GUE) is pleased to announce a new, continuing education course to supplement its superior form of underwater training. DIR Dry-land Fundamentals is designed to give students the best, safest, experience when on dry land.

    The concept is to train individuals so that their experience on land is as safe an enjoyable as possible. The DIR Dry-land Fundamentals takes many ideas and practices from DIR diving and develops them for use on dry land.

    The DIR philosophy is based on uniform, highly optimized, equipment, detailed planning, and a team approach to actions. It has many followers and practitioners because of its strict training regimens and ability to achieve results. It is based on the early dive teachings of DICK, or “Doing it Correctly, Kind-of.” One could say that DIR divers are a direct offshoot of DICK divers.

    Below are excerpts from GUE training manuals that give a rough outline of what Dry-land Fundamentals will involve.  

*Excerpt*

ATTIRE and GROOMING:

-       All body hair must be removed, so as not to be an entanglement hazard. Large ears, outtie bellybuttons, weird looking protruding moles, and other deformities must also be removed to reduce the risk of entanglement.

Non-DIR footwear. You might
as well be wearing high heels.

-       Shoes must be high tops: high top shoes offer more ankle support, and reduce the chance of failure due to suffering a “flat tire” should someone accidentally step on the back of your shoe. Flip flops are not allowed, as they are the Split-Fin of footwear, and prevent the user from executing proper walking motions or running. Shoelaces are a common failure point, and should be replaced with springs.

-       Tip-toeing is a superior way of walking, as it allows for quieter movement and stirs up less silt.

-       Socks should be of the heelless, tube sock, variety. This gives the team uniformity, should one buddy need to donate socks to an OOS (out of socks) buddy.

-       Underwear must be briefs—no boxer shorts allowed. Boxer shorts do not offer enough support, and often allow the testicles to dangle, presenting an entanglement hazard.

-       No wife-beater style undershirts: they make you look like a tool.

-       All students will wear one piece, black, mechanic style jumpsuits. Building off the concept of the one-piece HOG harness, there are fewer failure points in a one-piece jumpsuit.

-       Headwear will consist of knit beanies, with no pom-poms on top since they are an entanglement hazard.

EQUIPTMENT

-       One time keeping device, worn on the right wrist. It will be used to…uh…tell people what time it is.

-       Cell phone, inside the left front pocket, and attached to a bungee loop inside of the pocket with a boltsnap and caveline. Cell phones will not be worn in waist holsters, because it is an entanglement hazard, and again, makes you look like a complete tool.

-       Keys will be kept in the right front pocket, attached with caveline and a boltsnap.

-       A roll of caveline and extra boltsnaps will be kept in the right back pocket, secured by another boltsnap attached by caveline.

-       Back up caveline will be secured around the neck by a bungee necklace.

PROCEDURES

-       When ascending beyond ground level, students will start their stops at half their planned height, and then do one minute stops at each invterval before reaching their pre-determined height.

**For example, if the team plans to go from the first floor of a house to the second floor, and there are 14 steps in the flight of stairs, they would climb until to the 7^th step, and then stop for one minute at each additional step before reaching the second floor.

**If team members were staying in a hotel, and their room was on the 20^th floor, they would take the elevator to the 10^th floor, and stop for one minute at each additional floor before arriving at their room on the 20^th floor.

-       The DIR philosophy incorporates planning and buddy checks on everything: each member of the team is responsible for double-checking the actions of the other members. For example, if one team member were to ask if his breath stank, each team member must smell his breath to verify weather or not it reeks of dog fart.

-       Every visit to the restroom must be in teams, to support the team member who needs to take a crap. While one buddy prepares to unleash a grunt sculpture, the other buddy can verify the correct positioning of the ass-gasket and make sure the toilet paper supply has not exceeded “min-TP” requirements.

-       After each visit to the commode, each team member is responsible for verifying that the turd is properly flushed.

COURSE REQUIREMENTS

The DIR way of opening a beer:
A boltsnap...with caveline, of course.

    To successfully complete the GUE DIR Dry-land Fundamentals course, students are required to:

-       In proper DIR dry land gear, teams must tip-top 100 yards while conversing about what happened on the most recent episode of Dancing with the Stars.

-       Teams must successfully use a public restroom, with each team member verifying all steps and necessary procedures before dropping the kids off at the pool.

-       Donate caveline and a boltsnap to another team member...just because.

-       Students must not get their testicles tangled in anything.

-       Do a proper ascent with all the required stops…on an escalator at the mall.

-       Safely ascend to the 30^th floor of an office building.

-       Team members will belittle others who have not taken Dry-land Fundamentals, and will incorporate the terms “Stroke,” “Weiner” and “Solo-Crapper” into their insults.

For a full list of requirements and course descriptions, visit www.gue.com, or email surfaceswim@gmail.com

- GUE Press Release, courtesy of the Surface Swim

San Diego divers to upright the wreck of the Yukon

SAN DIEGO, CA – Two Southern California divers have come up with an ambitious plan that will change the diving in San Diego.  

The goofy looking forward guns of the Yukon..
because the wreck is on its port side! That's
just weird!

    The wreck of the Yukon, a 366ft long Canadian destroyer intentionally sunk in 2000 as an artificial reef, currently sits on the ocean floor two miles off of Mission Beach. The Yukon project took hundreds of thousands of dollars and almost as many man hours to prepare for sinking, and in July of 2000, it was finally ready to take become a new site for divers and to attract more marine life to the area.

    However, rough surface conditions caused the ship to take on water, and to sink before prematurely. Now, instead of resting upright, the wreck sank lop sided, and now sits in 105 feet of water on its port side.

    Although the Yukon has thrived as an artificial reef, attracting marine life and divers alike, the fact that the wreck is lying on its side instead of right side up has bothered many local divers—but not for long. After ten years of resting on her port side, two divers have decided to upright the Yukon.  

   The ambitious project is the brainchild of dive buddies Ed Hocken and George Kennedy, who came up the idea after a long night of post dive drinking. Hocken explained his idea in a recent phone interview from his parent’s converted garage, where he lives.

    “We were at Applebee’s, downing pitchers Coors Light, when I was like, ‘Dude! Wouldn’t it be cool if the Yukon was upright instead of on its side? You know, like a normal boat?” And an idea was born. “Ever since then, we’ve been obsessed with up righting the Yukon.”

   Funding for the project has been a challenge, but as of November, Hocken and Kennedy have raised over $200—almost half of their projected cost of $500. “Most of the money is from change we found under George’s sofa,” admits Hocken, “my grandma said she would chip in $10, though.” 

    The duo have designed a detailed plan as to how exactly they will upright the wreck, which weighs 2,300 tons.

    The plan to upright the Yukon, drawn on the back of an Applebee’s placemat, calls for a 17ft Boston Whaler, 200ft of rope, approximately 12,000 ping pong balls, and the help of two dolphins.

Detailed plan on how the
Yukon will be pulled
upright. 

Final view of successfully
up-righted wreck.

“We watched Mythbusters, so we know that we can use the positive buoyancy of ping pong balls to lift the wreck…then we can use the ropes attached to the [Boston Whaler] and the dolphins to pull the Yukon so it is sitting correctly in the sand” said Kennedy. “We’ve done several tests of the system in our bath tub, using Legos and Micro Machines, and it works. We are certain that we can upright the Yukon.”

    Hocken also described previous versions of the plan, which included the car jack from his 1988 Honda Accord, "about a gazillion zip ties," and “maybe a pulley or two.”

    Hocken and Kennedy’s endeavor has already received an endorsement from Ships to Reefs, a non profit organization dedicated to locating, preparing, and then sinking ships to become artificial reefs. Ships to Reefs spokesperson Dennis Nordberg described the poorly sunken Yukon as an “eyesore,” and said “seeing the her [the Yukon] on her side instead of upright is like having that neighbor with the car on cinder blocks on their front yard or their Christmas lights up year round---plain tacky and ugly to look at.”

    Local divers are also excited about seeing the Yukon upright: “The first time I saw the Yukon, laying there all lopsided, I was disappointed…even the Titanic is up right on the ocean floor,” said one diver.

    “We hope this will be our legacy,” said Hocken, “our gift to divers here in San Diego.”

    The pair is currently accepting financial donations, and anyone with a Boston Whaler, lots of extra ping pong balls, or knowledge of marine mammal husbandry are encouraged to contact the Surface Swim, at surfaceswim@gmail.com.  -Gary Baldi, reporting for the Surface Swim

New PADI specialty course teaches drysuit users how to urinate underwater

 RANCHO SANTA MARGARITA, CA - At the request of students and instructors, training managers at PADI have approved a new continuing education course.

     Starting this fall, all PADI Five Star training facilities with qualified instructors will be able to offer the P-Valve specialty course. The P-Valve diver is designed to give students the tools, training, and confidence to successfully and safely use an overboard urine relief valve on their drysuit.

    Those who regularly participate in the sport will tell you that SCUBA diving has the ability to give healthy, active, adults the bladder control of a pregnant racehorse. The solution for those who wear wetsuits is easy—just pee all over yourself. However, for those in a higher tax brackets who wear a drysuit, relieving one’s self is not that easy.

     Despite the knowledge that staying well hydrated is a safe diving practice, surveys indicated that many divers purposely dive dehydrated, out of fear that they will soil their drysuit.

Having and using a P-valve encourages divers to be well hydrated since it allows them to urinate underwater. It also allows them to mark their territory with their scent and show their dominance in the aquatic world.

     PADI Course Director Frank Drebin expressed his excitement for the new specialty course: “We want students to think of this course as more of a support group than a class—we understand the stigma and embarrassment that goes along with having to wear a glue-lined condom with a rubber hose attached to it. These are devices usually reserved for incontinent geriatrics and sexual deviants, but they also a very real part of diving.”

     Students are already lining up to take PADI’s newest specialty course.

“Before, I would just bite down on my fin strap and rip the condom catheter off,” said Open Water Diver Jake Elwood, who was involved in the pilot version of the class. “After taking the [P-Valve specialty] course, I now know that applying warm water and pulling gently at a 90 degree angle is much better for my penis.”

    The course is split into four phases: classroom, confined water training, open water training, and group therapy. The following excerpts are taken directly from the “PADI P-Valve Diver” training manual:

Classroom covers the basic bookwork and knowledge reviews, with topics including: What is a P-Valve? Why can’t I hold my bladder for 40 minutes? Why is there so much damn glue on these catheters? Why is it turning purple? Uh, does this thing fit right? Should I shave the hairs around the base?

Confined Water training consists of two pool sessions, in which the students demonstrate that they can if fact urinate through their drysuit. The first session must be conducted in water shallow enough to stand in, so that students can keep their ears out of the water to hear encouragement and, if needed, the sound of running water so they can start their urine flow. After successful completion, students must, in water they are unable to stand in, urinate a minimum of three times.  

After both pool sessions, Students are ready to show P-Valve proficiency in the Open Water. With a maximum ration of 2 students to 1 PADI professional, a student must urinate in the open water. Maximum allowable depth for this skill is 60ft.

    Required materials for this class are: PADI P-valve book pack, an overpriced PIC card, and the “PADI P-Valve ProPack,” which contains a 64 ounce bottle of Gatorade and a scratch and sniff sticker which reads, “I’m a big boy now!” 

    Long time drysuit diver and P-valve user Roger Murdock hoped that the education would prevent divers from learning incorrect techniques. “When I first started peeing through a tube, I didn’t have anyone around to show me how…I had to figure it out on the streets…I’m glad my son can learn correctly in a safe environment.”

    For the moment, the P-valve specialty is open only to males, although a female specific version of the class is in the works. Drebin explained that the decision to keep the course strictly for males is because “guy parts are more user friendly, you know, as far as the whole plumbing thing is concerned.”

“PADI is always looking for a way to server divers, and the P-valve specialty is just one more way we bring education and urinary comfort to our students,” said Drebin. “Attaching a latex sheath lined with a mild adhesive to your genitals is the logical solution. I can’t wait to have students take this course.” –Gary Baldi, Reporting for The Surface Swim