Marine protection act aims to keep ugly people out of the water

LAGUNA BEACH, CA – Orange County has passed a new Marine Life Protection Act scheduled to take effect January 1, 2011. The Southern California County already has several policies in place to protect divers and marine life, including issuing fines to divers who dive without a buddy, or do not have the proper safety equipment, such as snorkels, with them. This newest measure is designed to protect all aquatic life in County waters.

    The “Marine Life Protection Act,” or “Amanda’s Law,” will only allow divers who pass a facial attractiveness test the permission to dive in Orange County. Those who are classified as “pretty f-----’ ugly” will not be allowed in the water, out of fear that they will scare the fish away.

    Extensive research shows that fish and marine mammals are extremely responsive to human physical beauty.

Studies show that juvenile marine life are
 traumatized by seeing ugly divers on a regular basis.

    “The Ocean is one of our greatest resources; we can’t have our marine life traumatized by seeing a diver who has a face that resembles a sea urchin’s anus,” said Lifeguard Lt. Rodger Murdock.  “Someone who took a nose dive off the ugly tree and hit every single branch is not something we want a Juvenile Garibaldi exposed to.”

    Although the changes are not scheduled to take effect for over a month, local divers are already lining up to have their physical beauty evaluated, and to receive their county issued dive permits. They will be issuing three levels of permits, each with their own restrictions and limitations.

Level One, or “Hotties,” will be issued a green colored card, and are encouraged to dive as much as possible in as many dive sites as they can in order to attract fish. They are given priority parking and free air-fills at any shop. Those in this category are required to “make themselves presentable” before diving.

Level Two, or “Kind-ofs,“ are issued a yellow colored card, and can are permitted to dive in barren locations, or in dive sites where marine life does not have eyes, and therefore can not be offended by the divers’ unsightly features. They are restricted from night diving, because as one official put it, “that s---’s scary in the dark.”

Level Three, or “Gorilla Cookies”, is the classification for divers with a face that resembles one of the creatures from District 9. They are issued a red colored card and a paper bag, the latter of which must be worn when within one mile of the ocean or saltwater aquarium. They are restricted from entering the ocean. However, they are allowed to dive in any chlorinated pool, but will be charged $50 per air fill, in attempt to discourage them from diving.

   

    Although drastic, the changes are designed to increase the fish population in the area. According to a 2009 study, one of the greatest contributors to the decline of marine life is the presence of ugly people in the water. The study, funded by the non-profit organization Reef Check, shows a clear relationship between fish counts and proximity to divers with faces like ten miles of bad road.  “The facts don’t lie,” said one Reef Check volunteer, and co-author of the study, “Ugly people scare fish away.”

    Marine conservation groups are heralding the changes, proclaiming this as a step in the right direction. “Ugly people have no place in the ocean,” says Oceans Foundations president and 2002 Miss California Lisa Peck, “Protecting our aquatic life means keeping divers who have been beat with the ugly stick where they belong: on dry land.”  –Gary Baldi, reporting for The Surface Swim

Crustacean cult members found dead in Avalon restaurant

AVALON, CA. – Employees of the Galleon restaurant were shocked to find all 34 lobsters in their display tank dead when they arrived at work early Monday morning. In an apparent mass suicide, the 34 Pacific Spiny lobsters were found lifeless in the tank, lying neatly in rows, with small purple shrouds covering their heads. All of the deceased lobsters were wearing matching Nike sneakers. Tiny cups filled with distilled water and melted butter were found nearby each of the 34 victims inside the saltwater tank.

Cult leader Steve Jones (file photo).

   The tragedy has rocked the quaint town of Avalon, located on Catalina Island, about twenty miles off the southern California coast.

   “Lobsters, especially those in captivity, are know for being weak minded and easy to manipulate,” says UCSD Marine Biologist and Shellfish Cult expert Elaine Dickenson. “It is not uncommon for a more influential lobster to force their twisted ideas onto younger, more impressionable crustaceans. This is a classic case of a more powerful lobster convincing the rest of group that a mass suicide is the only way to avoid the horrors that will surely come if they are kept alive in the tank…it’s almost as if they knew that their future was to be boiled alive and ripped apart, only to have their flesh dipped in melted butter. Faced with this grim reality, it appears that mass suicide was a morbid, yet comforting, alternative.”

   This recent mass suicide was the second such tragedy to strike Avalon. On January 15, 1973, a recently unemployed and heavily medicated Garibaldi took the lives of twelve kelp bass and three sheephead in what is known as the “Orange Sunday Massacre.”

   “This is a dark day in Avalon, but we will rebuild.” –Miguel Vallecitos, reporting for The Surface Swim

Big changes coming to PADI training materials

RANCHO SANTA MARGARITA, CA –PADI announced earlier this week that they will be updating all Open Water Training literature to include an new, modern, method for describing dive conditions. Extensive feedback from instructors indicated that students were often left confused during briefings because of how conditions were described to them.

   “Saying that conditions are ‘mild with two foot waves with poor form, moderate surge in the shallows, particulate above fifteen feet and twenty feet of visibility below the thermocline’ may be sufficient information for seasoned divers,” says PADI Master Instructor Ted Striker, “but to students, technical jargon like this can deter them from the sport.”

   According to research, 89% of divers born after 1988 have a below average grasp of numbers and units of measurement. Even more surprising is that most students in Open Water classes think that meters are imaginary, and that kilometers are actually a species of desert lizard. 

   Because of these statistics, PADI decided to make the change to a more relatable form of communication.

Dive conditions are "That-girl-with-the-lazy-eye-and-bad-gas,
with older-woman-with-a-bleached-mustache expected overnight."

  The new metric for dive conditions will now be based on levels of feminine attractiveness. For example, 0-5 feet of visibility will now be called “fat chick in sweatpants that are three sizes too small,” while marginally better conditions will simply be called “aging mother of 3 in a bikini.” Conditions with a light surge and above average visibility are now “That hot girl who works at Starbucks”. Visibility in excess of 70ft will be referred to as “Jessica Alba,” while tricky or deceptive conditions will be called “beer-goggles.”

  The LA County Lifeguard Department recently changed their pre-recorded message to reflect the changes at PADI. Those who called the dive report hotline on Monday heard: “Dive conditions are slightly-overweight-chick-with-a-good personality, with the occasional recently-divorced-cougar…water temperature is drunk sorority girl…surge is Roseanne Barr…high tide is before Sportcenter. Thank you for calling the Los Angeles County beach and weather report, always swim near a lifeguard.”

 “At PADI, or goal is to make the sport of SCUBA diving accessible to anyone,” said Striker, “these modifications reflect this goal.”

  The change is not officially scheduled to take effect in July of 2010, giving older instructors sufficient time to adapt to the changes, and to find out just exactly who Jessica Alba is. –Miguel Vallecitos, Reporting for The Surface Swim

Welcome to The Surface Swim: News from the Diving Industry

The Surface Swim is dedicated to delivering breaking news from around the SCUBA diving industry. From the deepest oceans to the shallowest puddles, we are there bringing you the news that effects you most.

We cover the stories that the biased mainstream media outlets such as Sport Diver, The Undersea Journal, and Scuba Diving won't.
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