Big changes coming to PADI training materials

RANCHO SANTA MARGARITA, CA –PADI announced earlier this week that they will be updating all Open Water Training literature to include an new, modern, method for describing dive conditions. Extensive feedback from instructors indicated that students were often left confused during briefings because of how conditions were described to them.

   “Saying that conditions are ‘mild with two foot waves with poor form, moderate surge in the shallows, particulate above fifteen feet and twenty feet of visibility below the thermocline’ may be sufficient information for seasoned divers,” says PADI Master Instructor Ted Striker, “but to students, technical jargon like this can deter them from the sport.”

   According to research, 89% of divers born after 1988 have a below average grasp of numbers and units of measurement. Even more surprising is that most students in Open Water classes think that meters are imaginary, and that kilometers are actually a species of desert lizard. 

   Because of these statistics, PADI decided to make the change to a more relatable form of communication.

Dive conditions are "That-girl-with-the-lazy-eye-and-bad-gas,
with older-woman-with-a-bleached-mustache expected overnight."

  The new metric for dive conditions will now be based on levels of feminine attractiveness. For example, 0-5 feet of visibility will now be called “fat chick in sweatpants that are three sizes too small,” while marginally better conditions will simply be called “aging mother of 3 in a bikini.” Conditions with a light surge and above average visibility are now “That hot girl who works at Starbucks”. Visibility in excess of 70ft will be referred to as “Jessica Alba,” while tricky or deceptive conditions will be called “beer-goggles.”

  The LA County Lifeguard Department recently changed their pre-recorded message to reflect the changes at PADI. Those who called the dive report hotline on Monday heard: “Dive conditions are slightly-overweight-chick-with-a-good personality, with the occasional recently-divorced-cougar…water temperature is drunk sorority girl…surge is Roseanne Barr…high tide is before Sportcenter. Thank you for calling the Los Angeles County beach and weather report, always swim near a lifeguard.”

 “At PADI, or goal is to make the sport of SCUBA diving accessible to anyone,” said Striker, “these modifications reflect this goal.”

  The change is not officially scheduled to take effect in July of 2010, giving older instructors sufficient time to adapt to the changes, and to find out just exactly who Jessica Alba is. –Miguel Vallecitos, Reporting for The Surface Swim