Crustacean cult members found dead in Avalon restaurant

AVALON, CA. – Employees of the Galleon restaurant were shocked to find all 34 lobsters in their display tank dead when they arrived at work early Monday morning. In an apparent mass suicide, the 34 Pacific Spiny lobsters were found lifeless in the tank, lying neatly in rows, with small purple shrouds covering their heads. All of the deceased lobsters were wearing matching Nike sneakers. Tiny cups filled with distilled water and melted butter were found nearby each of the 34 victims inside the saltwater tank.

Cult leader Steve Jones (file photo).

   The tragedy has rocked the quaint town of Avalon, located on Catalina Island, about twenty miles off the southern California coast.

   “Lobsters, especially those in captivity, are know for being weak minded and easy to manipulate,” says UCSD Marine Biologist and Shellfish Cult expert Elaine Dickenson. “It is not uncommon for a more influential lobster to force their twisted ideas onto younger, more impressionable crustaceans. This is a classic case of a more powerful lobster convincing the rest of group that a mass suicide is the only way to avoid the horrors that will surely come if they are kept alive in the tank…it’s almost as if they knew that their future was to be boiled alive and ripped apart, only to have their flesh dipped in melted butter. Faced with this grim reality, it appears that mass suicide was a morbid, yet comforting, alternative.”

   This recent mass suicide was the second such tragedy to strike Avalon. On January 15, 1973, a recently unemployed and heavily medicated Garibaldi took the lives of twelve kelp bass and three sheephead in what is known as the “Orange Sunday Massacre.”

   “This is a dark day in Avalon, but we will rebuild.” –Miguel Vallecitos, reporting for The Surface Swim